Written by Jack Christmas

Musicals are the heart and soul of modern theatre. Everyone loves a good song and dance – or so I’m told. Musicals never fail to draw large crowds of people. Sometimes, a musical is so popular that they end up needing to perform it thousands of times just so everyone can see it. Les Misérables, for example, has been performed in London over ten thousand times and is still going strong.

Musical theatre is the immortal bull that just keeps shitting money, so the West End are constantly looking for new musicals to put on. Of course, writing original stories takes way too much time, money and effort, so most productions focus on re-imaginings and adaptations. We Will Rock You and Mamma Mia! took the greatest hits of popular bands from the 1970s and casually bolted them onto a loosely connected plot of some kind; Wicked was adapted from a book that was based on a musical that was adapted from a book. Oliver! took a dark and sombre story about an orphan trying to be good in a world filled with evil and turned it into a series of tongue-in-cheek sing-alongs; Jesus Christ Superstar took The Greatest Story Ever Told and made it 70% more awesome with such memorable rock numbers as “What Does Jesus Need With a Starship?” and “It’s My Last Supper (So I’ll Fart If I Want To)”; Not a single intellectual property is free from the reach of Broadway’s steel tentacles. Not Legally Blonde. Not Shrek. Not Nick Clegg. Not anything.

Thinking about this, I realised there are loads of stories – which would make absolutely amazing musicals – that still haven’t been adapted. So here I present to you my Top Ten personal choices for stories tales that simply must be realised in musical form.

#10: A Doll’s House
Musical Title: Guys and Sheltered Downtrodden Middle-Class Norwegian Dolls

I’m sure you’re all intimately familiar with Henrik Ibsen’s heavily controversial examination of nineteenth century marriage, so you’ll know that this play does already have some music in it, but it’s not nearly enough, goddamnit! A series of drawn out musical numbers is just what this otherwise drab play needs to bring it to life on stage. Seriously, the whole thing is set in one location over only three days and has only 5 characters – plus a maid and some children that appear in one scene and have no personality. Who in the 21st century wants to spend an evening listening to Nora blabbering on about how she’s being blackmailed by a disgraced lawyer that lent her money while Mrs. Linde does embroidery? It’s so boring I almost fell asleep in the middle of writing that sentence.

If you want to keep an audience interested, you need to have more loud and exciting things happening. And the musical format would fit like a glove. After all, musical romances are often played out like fairy tales because musicals have song and dance sequences that elaborate upon one or two superficial points in lieu of genuine character development. And one of the central themes of the story is that Nora and Torvald see each other as characters in a fairy tale rather than intelligent and complex individuals. The adaptation would be easy. It would contain such catchy tunes such as “The Macaroon Song”, “Dr. Rank Needs a Wank”, and “Blow-Up Dolls Can’t Feel Love”. It would be nothing short of a triumph. A huge success.

#9: Torchwood
Musical Title: Sexy Jack and the Space Meanies

Doctor Who is arguably Britain’s most beloved television drama. It has a history that goes back almost 50 years and it’s watched and enjoyed by people of all ages. In fact, its amazing success has prompted the creation of several spin-off shows, the most awesome of which is Torchwood. The major differences between the two shows are that instead of being made for a family audience, Torchwood is targeted squarely at the untapped age 13-17 market, and instead of it being set in a new fantastical location every week, Torchwood is set in a new fantastical Cardiff every week. As everyone expected, it was a smash hit. And like all smash hits, Torchwood – or as it’s known to its fans, Welsh X-Files With More F***ing – would make a superb musical.

Now I know what you’re thinking: wouldn’t it be even better just to adapt Doctor Who into a musical? Well, yes, it would, and anyone who’s ever seen or heard The Ultimate Adventure stage play can tell you that songs in Doctor Who kick every kind of arse. But, unfortunately, it isn’t the 80s anymore; modern Who just has far too much dignity for that sort of thing. This is why Torchwood is a much more ideal option. It would be an epic action/adventure romantic comedy – with a choir of Weevil sopranos. The plot would span all four series, and it would feature such power ballads as “Seriously Understaffed”, “Our Motherf***ing Pterodactyl”, “Sexy Cyberman”, “Extra-terrestrial Lesbian Telepath”, “Stiff and then a Stiff (Owen’s Song)”, “Children Are Outer-Space Heroin”, “Oswald the Lovable Paedophile” and “Bleeding Into The Giant Vaginal Crevasse”. It’ll be a show that the whole family can enjoy, provided your whole family are teenagers and like Torchwood.

#8: Run Lola Run
Musical Title: Rennt

In my opinion they don’t make nearly enough musicals promoting exercise, which is why I was originally going to recommend they make LazyTown: The Musical. Then I realised that (a) LazyTown is already a musical and (b) LazyTown only makes people want to exercise because exercise is a more enjoyable activity than watching LazyTown. So that’s when I decided that Run Lola Run would be much more suited to musical adaptation. Oh, sure, it’s all well and good to run because “it’s good for you”, but a woman just deciding to jog for a few hours hardly makes for a compelling story, does it? If a musical uses running as its hook, I expect there to be some important and urgent shit going on, damn it! Run Lola Run is perfect in this regard as all the running in that film is completely relevant to the plot and not just shoehorned in to satisfy the running fans. You’ll presumably be wondering why I didn’t choose The Running Man for this, so let me ask you a question. Is The Running Man in German? IS IT?! Exactly. Anyone who knows anything about music knows that all songs sound better in German. This is a fact.

Of course, Germanity and athletics are not the only things this stage production will have going for it. Crime thrillers are often adapted into truly exceptional musical comedies and this would not be an exception. I’m sure many of you will remember that the story of Run Lola Run plays out in three different ways, with each “run” having a drastically different outcome despite only minor circumstantial differences. This aspect would naturally be removed, because repetition is mind-numbingly boring, and in a musical format that would mean doing almost every song three times. Instead, there would only be one “run”, but all actions, dialogue and music would run in slow motion. To complement this style, all of the songs would be Reggae/ Folk mash-ups. I think we can all agree this production would be superb.

#7: United 93
Musical Title: Come On, United!

One important lesson that Showbiz has taught us is that there’s no such thing as “Too Soon”. No subject matter is out of bounds to exploitation, no matter how sensitive it is. As long as you feign respect for the people involved and have a justifiable ‘message’, you can put on a slapstick Great War comedy called Somme Like It Hot in 1919 and win universal acclaim. Now, I’m not saying that 2006’s United 93 was made with anything other than noble intentions, but it proves that you don’t have to wait fifty years to make money from tragedy – provided you portray the victims as heroes. So if cinema patrons get to experience the deeply affecting story of the brave passengers of United Airlines Flight 93, then why not theatre-goers who prefer their stories to be told through the medium of show-tunes? No reason whatsoever. This would make a brilliantly poignant and entertaining musical.

It could start with some upbeat songs introducing the various passengers and then progress into melancholy as they realise the grimness of their predicament. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with a little poetic licence to make the story more palatable; firstly, the inclusion of a character played by Samuel L. Jackson would make the whole thing way more epic (“I have had it with these motherf***in' hijackers on this motherf***in' plane!”). Secondly, there should be a funny fat guy on the flight. Preferably with a beard. Thirdly, the passengers should overcome the hijackers by beating them at a dance off. Also, instead of all the passengers dying in the end, they successfully pilot the plane directly into Osama Bin Laden’s face before heading back to New Jersey for their victory parade. It would be a great night out that the whole family could enjoy.

#6: EastEnders
Musical Title: East Side Story

The cast of EastEnders have proven to the public time and time again – on every Red Nose Day – that they are brilliant singers and dancers. And pantomime directors are frequently casting ex-soap-stars in their productions in order to drum up ticket sales, which works out because those actors often struggle to find work after being so heavily typecast in a soap opera role. So I say, why bother casting a choice one or two EastEnders actors in a play they don’t belong in when you could just make an adaptation of EastEnders itself? Plus, the revolving door policy for characters in soaps means there are plenty of ex-EastEnders actors to choose from.

Plus the EastEnders format is perfect for accommodating musical numbers; instead of the frequent and loud shouting matches that make up the bulk of the programme’s dialogue there would be aggressive song and dance sequences. It would finally put the ‘Opera’ back into ‘Soap Opera’. Also, this show should take Soaps back to what they were always supposed to be: chronicles of the mundanity of everyday life. Too many ‘continual dramas’ nowadays are about climactic tragedy after climactic tragedy, when all we really want is to see some stories about the little dramas that many of us face in our day-to-day lives, like getting stuck in traffic and arriving at work 5 minutes late, or taking a dump and realizing there’s no toilet paper. East Side Story would deliver that in spades.

#5: Secret Diary of a Call Girl
Musical Title: The Vagina Travelogues

It’s no secret that sex sells. A woman who would later adopt the nom de plume “Belle de Jour” realised this, and quickly worked out that this meant the easiest thing to sell was sex itself, so she decided to become a prostitute. After publishing her diary online in weblog form, Belle realised that the second easiest thing to sell was stories about sex. So she anonymously published her diaries in book form and made a bazillion pounds. ITV later picked up on this and decided to adapt the books into a titillating serial drama, Not Remotely Secret Diary of a Call Girl, which was a roaring success because Rose Tyler was partially nude in it. So if Belle de Jour’s account of the fun side of prostitution makes a successful blog, a successful book, and a successful TV series, then why not a successful musical?

Of course, you can’t just frame out the actors’ genitals in a live performance, so the production would essentially need to become live hardcore pornography. Because let’s face it. It’s the sex that the audience is really interested in. The “Will they? Won’t they?” relationship Belle has with her best friend, the drama of her trying to keep a boyfriend while getting paid to have sex with strangers – these stories are just filler to make people feel less embarrassed about watching. The aspect that would distinguish this show from every other live porno-theatre production would be the music. All sex scenes would also be over the top musical numbers, with the main characters dancing, singing and boning all at the same time while Oompa-Loompas do Irish Jigs in the background. It would either be the most talked about show in musical theatre history or the one show that is never spoken of again out of shame.

#4: Wallace & Gromit
Musical Title: Wallace and the Amazing Dream-colour Techno Trousers

They’re probably Britain’s best-loved comedy double act, even competing with Morecambe and Wise and Cameron and Clegg when it comes to popularity. So how on Earth is it that this musical has not been made yet? It’s got everything a good musical needs; it’s got comedy. It’s got drama. It’s got romance. It’s got visual gags that most only notice on a second viewing. It’s got an evil penguin. It’s got a coin-operated robot that lives on the moon and dreams of going skiing. It’s got northern accents. Most importantly of all, it has cheese, which is a mainstay of all the great musicals. And it’s got crackers to boot.

Naturally, there are some changes that will need to be made in order to accommodate the new format. Firstly, stop-motion animation is apparently impossible to do live, so instead all the characters will be played by animatronic robots covered in plasticine, with the actors delivering their lines from offstage. Or if Peter Sallis is willing to spend several hours being sewn into and out of a clay suit before and after every performance, that would work too. Secondly, Gromit can no longer be mute. You can’t have a musical in which one of the title characters is silent. That would just be insane. Ideally Gromit should have a deep and powerful operatic singing voice, but have a speaking voice similar in pitch and delivery to that of Louie Spence. Thirdly, the TV shorts and film are far too light-hearted in tone. The only way for the audience will connect with these characters is if most of the screwball comedy is ditched in favour of dark, psychological humour. Like in A Matter of Loaf and Death where a poodle attempts suicide after her abusive owner dies. There should be more stuff like that. The central piece would be “Not Even Wensleydale?”, a heart-wrenching account of all Wallace’s lost loves told through song, which would be shortly followed by “Kennel Love”, in which Gromit confesses the true feelings he has for his master. The end of the story would see the title characters finally overcoming their fear of stigmatisation and getting married.

#3: Nineteen Eighty-Four
Musical Title: The Ministry of Love Never Dies

George Orwell’s genre-defining classic has been adapted many times, but not one of those adaptations has included a bit where Winston Smith raps. What madness is this? Nineteen Eighty-Four is a story with such powerful emotions, so wouldn’t it be much better if those emotions were expressed through the medium of jazz-funk? Because think about it; how much actually happens in this story outside of detailed explanations of how Oceanic society functions, Winston’s internal monologue and events told through flash-back? Barely anything. Winston writes in a diary and worries about getting caught. He helps a neighbour. He goes to work and small talks with his colleagues. He goes to a pub to talk to a prole. He tries to sing a nursery rhyme with Mr. Charrington. Some more exciting stuff happens later on but by that point the entire audience is in a coma. The music would make up for the details that are lost in translation.

And the music would improve many of the more dramatic sequences. Imagine how much more shocking and painful the torture sections would be if instead of being starved, exhausted and savagely beaten and having his face bitten off by rats, Winston was subjected to never-ending ear-splittingly loud dubstep. It would demonstrate the horrific lengths The Party are willing to go to destroy what’s left of Winston’s human spirit. And while this is going on O’Brien would be breakdancing and singing “There Ain’t No Party like a Totalitarian Party”. This would bring one of the 20th century’s greatest stories to a whole new audience.

#2: Mass Effect
Musical Title: Reaper Madness

If there’s one thing that everyone agrees on, it’s that there aren’t nearly enough adaptations of video games. Anyone who has seen the Resident Evil movies can tell you that video game stories translate perfectly to any medium and make better and more profitable film series than Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter combined. So it’s frankly high time that a computer game franchise was adapted for the stage. BioWare’s epic sci-fi role-playing third person shooter, Mass Effect, is the perfect choice, because it has such a rich and detailed plot and cast of characters. I’m sure many of you are worried that a musical adaptation would eliminate the plot-defining choices that the player has to make throughout the games, but there’s no need to, because Reaper Madness would be the first ever interactive musical.

Under each seat in the theatre would be a remote control that would allow each audience member to vote on what happens in the story. Each remote would have a blue ‘Paragon’ button, a red ‘Renegade’ button, a white ‘Neutral’ button and a yellow ‘Investigate’ button, allowing them to decide what Shepard says in every conversation – just like in the games. Naturally, to accommodate the sheer quantity of possible dialogue, all the actors would have to learn several thousand pages of script. Also, due to the length of the games that are being adapted, each performance would have to be over one hundred hours long. Wherever in the games there would be a section of gameplay, there would in its place be an extended musical number, such as “The Sovereign and I”, “It’s Not Easy Being Krogan”, “Has This Unit Got Soul?”, “My Favourite Store (On The Citadel)”, “That Was a Joker (EDI’s Song)”, “In The Middle (Of Some Calibrations)” and countless others. Also, with each performance the lead character would alternate between male and female Shepard so that all fans are satisfied. It would take a lot of work and even more money, but it would be worth every second and every penny of it.

It would also have a much better ending.

#1: The Twilight Saga
Musical Title: Twilight Express

OK, now stop it. I know what you’re doing. You saw the word “Twilight” and immediately started throwing rotten beetroots at your computer screen in disgust, and with good reason, but hear me out. Although Twilight is terrible as both a horror story and a love story, I can’t shake the feeling that the musical version of it would be a thing of astounding beauty. Think about the main problems that plague this series; it centres around a dull and forced love triangle, its characters are badly written, badly acted and have little to no personality, the vampires are emasculated and unthreatening, and there isn’t any plot outside of romantic clichés. In a musical all of these problems would become assets or could easily be written out. For example, take Edward’s “sparkling in the sunlight” issue. People hate this in the movies because it makes him look like a fairy, but in musical theatre fairies are always welcome! In fact, Twilight Express would just cut out the crap and make Edward a fairy instead of a vampire, because there’s no point in being shy about it. Secondly, Bella would be a princess instead of just an ordinary teenager, because theatre audiences don’t care if a princess falls in love with a guy and gets married to him after only knowing them for 5 minutes and having absolutely no chemistry with him. People even expect it.

In addition, Jacob would be a werewolf. That’s right. Not a brooding teenager that has a wolf as his animagus form – a werewolf. Also, it’s apparent that Bella is the real dead weight in the Twilight series, so she’d be written out before the first act is done, ideally after being trampled to death by a horde of angry feminists. The second act would then be about Edward and Jacob coming to terms with Bella’s death and eventually realizing that their true soul mates are each other. Of course, the focus on romance is what made the original story so boring, so this would only be a sub-plot. The main plot would revolve around Edward and Jacob’s quest to stop The Nazi Ninja-Pirate Alliance from taking over Hyrule.

Now, I usually don’t suggest ideal cast lists, because these things are heavily subject to availability, but I’ll make an exception in this case. Edward Cullen should be played by Pierce Brosnan at his most charming, Jacob Black should be played by Christopher Walken, and Bella Swan should be played by the same woman who played Plank in Ed, Edd n Eddy. All of the songs would be Thrash Metal accompanied by intricate ballet routines, and it would be the greatest pantomime ever performed.

So those are my Top Ten choices for stories that are ripe for musical adaptation. Do you agree? Are there any other stories you’ve been dying to see adapted into a stage musical but never have been? Whatever your opinion, be sure to pass it on to a Broadway producer, because they’d be eternally grateful for any half-baked ideas you might have.

Written by Kirk Saywell

Ok, so sometimes for whatever reason, you know you're going to be late for something. It might be something common like your regular place of work or school, or maybe something more sensitive - a dinner date or job interview. Whatever it is, once you know you're going to be late there's not much you can do about it other than think of a good excuse!

You have to be careful to make sure your excuse is believable. This means using excuses that are not too common but at the same time, not unrealistic. A key point you have on your side is honesty - when you are late you should approach [whoever] with an apology, a reasonable excuse that sounds honest, and if applicable, evidence to back it up!

Of course, you should always try to make sure you are on time - but if you're really stuck, here is our April Top Ten best excuses for being late.

10. Traffic - This one really is over-used. The advantage to this excuse is that it is totally plausible and it takes the blame off your shoulders as it's generally out of your control. However, be aware of the disadvantages! It might be your fault for not allowing enough time to travel accounting for traffic, if there are other people attending they may have used the same route and not been late, there could be other routes you could have used, and finally, you may not actually be using a form of transport that is affected by traffic! A good one if your someone who is normally on time and has a long to commute to your destination, works best when a traffic jam has been announced on morning radio.

9. Car Trouble - This is less common and really shouldn't be used as a frequent excuse, but if you use a car to get to your destination there is always the option of blaming your unreliable French car for not starting, running out of fuel even though you thought it had enough, the immobiliser circuit failing - use your imagination, but be ready to give details - and make sure if you do arrive in your car that your excuse can't be disproved! You can take this to the extreme and WALK/BUS to your location (making yourself really late) as a final step towards making [whoever] believe the problem was so bad that you decided not to waste any more time with the car and just did whatever you could to get there! Works best if you have an old car, a french car, or are well known for not knowing ANYTHING about cars.
- Oh, if my boss is reading this, that time I turned up late and said my old french car wouldn't start, I was telling the truth!

8. Public Transport - This is a gold mine! Everyone knows how unreliable public transport is in the UK - It doesn't matter if you leave 2 hours early for a journey that's normally only 20 minutes - you can still genuinely be late. Some examples you can use are; Bus was early, so you missed it and the next one wasn't due for 30 minutes. Bus was 30 minutes later than scheduled. Bus was on time but was full and driver would not allow you to get on. The bus got stuck in traffic. The bus broke down and passengers had to be transferred to another bus. The bus driver took a wrong turning. Road works prevented the normal bus route. Use your imagination, if it's ever happened to you, use it again! You can apply this to other means of public transport as well as the bus, but be careful not to say anything that can be checked and disproved.

7. Lost Keys - You have to be careful with this one because you are actually blaming yourself, but it's an honest plausible excuse. You're just getting ready to leave and you suddenly realise that your keys aren't where you thought you left them. Since you can't leave the house or start your car without your keys, you frantically panic-search for them (which can hold you up for a good 20 mins) until you eventually find them in your other coat pocket, which was in the washing machine. You just have to apologise, but at least you have given a reason - the funnier you make your story (without being unrealistic) the easier-going [whoever] will be when you tell them.

6. Stopped/Mugged - It is not too rare to see Police doing random spot-checks on drivers in the morning, especially on a Monday morning after the weekend. Usually just wanting to breathalyse you or check your tax, but an unexpected demand to pull over by a police officer is not something you can really account for or prevent - which makes it an excellent excuse for being late, because these checks can sometimes take 15 minutes or more! You can't really use this one more than once in a 3 month period, but if you do use it again it's wise to act shocked and annoyed that you were unlucky enough to be stopped AGAIN. If you are walking to your destination, it's unlikely that you'll get stopped by the police for anything you can reasonably explain, so you can leave your wallet and mobile at home, act traumatised and pretend you were mugged. No need to beat yourself up, you chose to give them what they wanted in exchange for your safety. Of course you didn't get much of a description and you're still a bit shaken up, but it covers you for being late and for not calling to let them know. If you're really late you can say you've been at the Police station giving a statement, but be careful not to tie yourself in too deep - they might call your bluff and do some background checks - so best to say you haven't yet reported it. To explain getting your stuff back the next day, you can always say you reported it and later that day someone was caught and your property was returned to you - but let's not make it too unbelievable!

5. Alarm Clock - A classic excuse for being late which is not really acceptable, but you can get away with it if you really haven't got anything else. Many alarm clocks will totally lose their time and alarm settings if the power goes out, even for a few seconds - so you can always say you overslept because there was a power-cut that stopped your usual wake-up alarm going off. You can vary this with many alternatives - set the alarm for PM instead of AM by mistake, forgot to adjust clock for BST/DST, faulty alarm clock, child/pet/partner fiddled with settings and you didn't realise, or maybe you just plain forgot to set it the night before - who knows? Nobody! This is why it's the perfect excuse.

4. Overslept - So you might be thinking of using the old Alarm clock excuse but just in case you're not sure they'll buy it, you can always claim that your alarm went off and you just slept through it, or you don't have an alarm but normally wake up on time. You can be a bit cheeky and say something like you were up all night at home doing homework/overtime and didn't manage to get enough sleep - or that you were simply SO excited about [wherever] you are going that it took ages to get to sleep and unfortunately then caused you to oversleep. It's not great, but it might work well in some situations.

3. If you have read #5 and #4 above, you might be thinking these only work when you are due to be somewhere in the morning, but what about an afternoon shift, or an evening dinner date? Apply the Alarm clock excuses to a wrist watch, desk clock or office clock. Battery ran out, forgot to adjust it, faulty - whatever it is, you lost track of time because of it and are sorry that you are late, it won't happen again.

2. Illness - This can go either way, you can use this as an excuse for being late, get some sympathy and maybe even the day off! On the other hand, it can be highly suspect if you don't appear to be ill in the way you are describing and it may also appear as a hang-over, which on a work night is entirely your own fault. This works best if you are good at appearing "under the weather". Do your research, find a non-serious illness, perfect the symptoms at home and memorise everything you read about it on Wikipedia. You basically woke up feeling terrible and were not going to come into work. Just as you were about to call in sick, it seemed that it was passing and you decided you could probably have a bite to eat, make it into work and you'd be ok. A good one if you already know you're going to be late because you can call while you're still home to say you've not been well and might be late, this gets you off the hook later. If you've already left, you just need to stick it out and explain when you arrive. You need to be careful to explain that you have no idea what brought it on as you didn't have anything funny to eat or drink the night before and you got to bed nice and early. You don't want to be faking something that wouldn't normally clear up in a day because then everyone will see right through you. If you're a woman you might be able to get away with morning sickness or period pains, especially if [whoever] you're meeting is a man, because they will just believe what you are saying because they don't understand. If you're a guy you're gonna need to get creative. It might be a reaction to something you ate which has cleared up now you've been to the toilet, or maybe you've felt this coming on for a while and you're not sure if it's going to develop into something worse or not. Be creative but keep things simple - remember what you have said in case you're asked again later.

1. Unable to leave on time - This is my personal favourite, because it has genuinely happened to me enough times for me to believe it if someone else tried to use it as an excuse. There are a few variations of this idea that you can use, but the following example is great because it's so embarrassing, nobody would think you would admit it unless it was true. It's morning, you're about to leave at your usual time for your 20 minute commute. You have everything ready and you're just putting your shoes on - then it hits you, something you ate didn't agree with you and you have to rush to your toilet. It's bad, it's diarrhoea. The 10 minutes you normally allow for unexpected hold ups isn't going to be enough. You can't get to the phone because you're on the toilet and can't get up. You just about think it's over, but there is more. Once you're finally sure it's over - you can proceed to your destination with shame and embarrassment. You can throw in some extras, like running out of bog roll, not making it on time and having to find some spare trousers - it's flexible, and so personal that it would be unfair to blame you for being late, it's embarrassing which makes it difficult to tell people (which makes it more believable) and it can be something to laugh about later. If you need proof, laxative in the coffee will soon have the office toilet occupied for most of the day.

So, next time you're running late and don't think the real reason is going to wash, consider one of our top 10, but remember to add personal details and avoid anything that is unrealistic or can be checked!

TECHTOAD.COM, Kirk Saywell and all associated parties do not endorse being late for your place of work, school, interview, date or any other event. This article is written purely for entertainment purpose, but you are more than welcome to use any of the excuses listed above if you want to. We accept no responsibility for the outcome, positive or negative, of using these excuses. We would have written more in this disclaimer, but unfortunately our legal publication adviser was late to work today because his car got stuck in a tree and he had to wait for the emergency services to remove it with a crane before he could drive to work. He has apologised, but we will soon be making enquiries with the local car-stuck-in-a-tree removal companies to make sure he wasn't just making up a load of bollocks.

We've been keeping an eye on our inbox and were surprised by the number of requests we've had for the classic "Mac vs PC" argument.

Let us make one thing clear: We cannot answer the question "Which is best?" because each have their advantages and disdavantages. Which is what we will look at in todays article.

Price:
When we talk about price, it's not as simple as comparing the lowest price PC to the lowest price Mac, because that's not fair. We have to look at value for money - that is, what does your hard earned cash actually buy you at the end of the day, and which gives you more for the money?

It's easy for us to jump to the immediate conclusion that "You will always get more for your money with a PC", and in the past this may have been true. If you keep an eye on the market, you will find that the difference in price between a PC and comparible Mac has significantly reduced in recent years. It does still seem to be the case that you will get a higher "on paper" specification from a PC than a Mac for the same money, usually a Mac that is a similar price to a PC will have less memory and storage space.

That said, when we consider the cost of a computer, and talk about value - we must consider two crucial factors; life expectancy/futureproofing and software costs. Does spending more on Mac hardware with Apple's Mac OS save you more money in software licences and do you get a product which can work for longer before requiring an upgrade? We will come back to these points later in the article.

Hardware:
Our research from Intel suggests that on todays market, a PC typically comes with 2GB - 8GB of RAM, where as a Mac typically comes with 1GB - 4GB RAM. This makes us question, does the Mac use the memory more efficiently so that less RAM is required? Or do you simply get more for your money with a PC?

When it comes to storage space, you will definately get more for your money with a PC. Some may argue that a Mac files and applications require less space, but at the end of the day, you are still going to have the same amount of data to store whichever you choose. The battle may be over, but the war has not been won just yet!

System Stability and Compatibility:
PCs which commonly run Microsoft Windows have a notorious history of instability, where as Macs do not seem to crash anywhere near as frequently. In recent years, PCs have become more stable - and so have Macs. It is fair to say that Macs are more stable than PCs, but there is a good reason for this. Macs are designed and built by Apple to a certain specification. The Operating System (Mac OS) is also designed by Apple specifically to run on their hardware. Microsoft have the challenge of making an Operating system that works on many more thousands of hardware variations. The big advantage of a Mac is that it is built for purpose and designed to work with it's operating system, but with modern PCs which are almost as stable, you have the freedom to choose from a much bigger variety of components, meaning you can build a PC for a specific purpose that suits your budget, rather than spending a lot of money on a Mac with limited customisations. Almost all off-the-shelf software is designed to run on PC or Mac today, but there are a number of open source programs and applications which only target one or the other, and since PCs have been more popular for such a long time, it is easier to get software to achieve your needs for a PC. On the other hand, Macs are becoming increasingly popular, so this might change. You can actually run Microsoft Windows on a Mac, but you can't run Mac OS on a PC. If you're somebody who likes to use both platforms, you'd be better off buying a Mac and installing Windows as a dual-boot option.

Service, Repairs and Upgrades:
Because Macs are exclusive to Apple, it is harder (and more expensive) to obtain parts and service for Macs than it is for PCs. However, as Macs become more popular, this may no longer be an issue as more and more computer service shops will begin to support Macs. On todays market though, having a PC fixed or upgraded will cost less. That is assuming, you don't have to make more trips to the computer repair shop BECAUSE you have a PC rather than a Mac. Something else we will touch on later in this article.

Style and Stereotypes:
It is well known that the PC is branded as the "Office Worker" and the Mac is the "Fun and Creative" machine. Both of these stereotypes are false. Both are very similar hardware, with very similar software, capable of achieving the same end result - it's just a matter of how that result is achieved and what the user prefers. The Mac definately offers more style and sophistication than a PC, but it can lack the precise functions and options available in a PC environment which give the user more control.

Performance:
So we compared a 13" MacBook Pro running Mac OSX Snow Leopard to a similar specification ASUS Laptop running Microsoft Windows 7 Professional - we tested boot up times, shut down times, program launch times, high-detail graphic gameplay framerates, battery life and connectivity options. Originally, we had planned to publish a detailed report of our results, but quite honestly - there was no need. The MacBook Pro won hands down - beating the ASUS in every test with a clear margin. However, the difference in price was around £600. So we then found another ASUS laptop which was only £100 cheaper than the MacBookPro and repeated the tests. The results were close, the Mac still performing SLIGHTLY better in almost all of the tests - but with significantly less memory and a lower clock speed.

Reliability:
This is an important topic. Everyone always talks about how PCs are easy targets for viruses and that there "are no viruses" for Macs. THIS IS NOT TRUE. There is simply a higher population of PCs compared to Macs, and most businesses in the UK use Windows based servers and PCs in offices - it is still just as easy to write a virus for a Mac, there are just more PC viruses around. As Macs become more popular, the risk of viruses may become equal to that of a PC.

We are very impressed with the reliability of Macs. Working with Nexus Technology in Colchester, we can see that the majority of Macs that come in for repairs are a result of accidental damage. It seems to be an undeniable fact that the components in a Mac tend to last longer than those in a PC. Since Apple use many of the same manufactures for their memory and hard drives as PC manufactures, we can only assume that the components last longer becuase the software is more efficient and does not strain the components in the same way that a PC does. It may also indicate that the high-quality materials that you pay for on a Mac do protect the components from damage more so than the flimsey plastic that you'll find on most PCs. This might mean that buying a Mac will cost more in the first place, but will last longer before it needs to be replaced, and may not need to be repaired as frequently as a PC.

Networking:
Almost all computer devices, from servers to mobile phones are capable of accessing content on a network, but it's PCs that hold the crown when it comes to a secure and controlled domain. Macs are very much targeted more towards a personal user, or group of few users. PCs have far more flexibility when it comes to large corportations and schools that need software replication and water-tight security on their network. Apple have demonstrated amazing innovations in networking with their recent launch of the "iCloud" service. If this technology is integrated into large-scale networks, Apple may be able to take the crown from the PCs, but not for the moment.

Conclusion:
As warned at the beginning of the article, we can't really tell you which is best. What we can tell you, is buying a Mac is probably a worth-while investment compared to a PC becuase it will probably last longer, and research suggests that you will get a better overall performance. However, that said - You could get the same performance from a PC for a much lower cost, which would be particularly beneficial if you want to use your computer on a large network or domain as Windows has better tools for controlling this. It very much depends on your needs and your budget. What is our opinion? Have both, that way you can make the most of all the advantages, and resolve the disadvantages by switching between platforms.

Can you trust what the rest of the world think? This graph represents the popularity of each platform in the year 2011 - Source hongkiat.com

You can get the latest statistic from hitslink.com - Today, Microsoft Windows holds an 85% overall market share compared to Apple's Mac and iOS which have a combined share of 10%.

Written by Jack Christmas

If you happen to have walked past any greeting card shops recently, you’ll have been reminded that a certain holiday is right round the corner. That’s right; St. Valentine’s Day is nearly here, folks! The day when people in committed relationships give themselves large pats on the back while making uninspired and clichéd romantic gestures, and the day when lonely people spend their free time cry-wanking, drinking copious quantities of cheap supermarket cider, watching back-to-back episodes of Batman: The Animated Series, and staring forlornly into mirrors.

But for those of you who are too often at the faeces-covered end of the St. Valentine’s stick, I bring a message of hope. You don’t have to be alone on Valentine’s Day. You just need to know the tricks of the dating trade. Of course, you have to bear in mind that these tips may not work if you want a permanent relationship after Valentine’s is over, but if you’re the sort of person that cares about having a date on Valentine’s Day just because it’s Valentine’s Day, then I imagine this won’t bother you. Here are my Top Ten Ways To Make Someone Your Valentine.

Note: Your love interest may be of any gender. I used female pronouns in this Top Ten for the sake of simplicity.

#10: The Power of Democracy

We’re incredibly lucky to live in a country where every citizen gets a say in how things are run, but unfortunately many of us take this for granted. Election turnouts continue to get worse and the sheer dumb-fuckery of the average cabinet minister seems to have done little more than inspire political apathy. This is exactly why you should use your democratic rights to increase your chances of getting laid.

Step 1: Send a letter to your local MP explaining why you and your love interest would be perfect for each other. Ask him/her to bring it up in parliament.

Step 2: Design a leaflet detailing why your love interest should go out with you. Print a few thousand of these and deliver one to every house in your neighbourhood/city.

Step 3: Gather a group of at least a few dozen people and organise a protest outside your love interest’s house. You should carry signs expressing your point of view and loudly chant to attract her attention. Ideally you should do this when your love interest is asleep so you catch her at the time of day when she is most susceptible.

Step 4: Wait patiently for her willpower and standards to be eroded away by the sheer awesomeness of democracy.

Step 5: ?????

Step 6: PROFIT!

#9: Romanticism

Sometimes using the more traditional methods of seduction can work well too. To impress your love interest with this method, you should buy her chocolates, write her poetry, send her emails that include a winky face and at least 3 kisses, buy her a car. You know, all the standard romantic gestures will do fine. The key is not to let up. Bombard her with so many seemingly selfless gifts and so much romantic sentiment that it eventually makes you look desperate and pathetic. If she hasn’t fallen in love with your charm by Valentine’s Day, then she’ll most likely agree to go out with you anyway, just out of pity and a sense of politeness, much like how some women agree to public marriage proposals because they can’t bring themselves to humiliate someone on national TV.

#8: Persistence

Let’s face it; people are generally arseholes. They obviously aren’t going to get along without first putting in a great deal of effort. This is why persistence is the key to making any relationship work, and exactly the same method can be applied to the dating game, because your love interest may say that she’s not interested in going out with you, but she just doesn’t know you well enough. How could she possibly make a well-informed decision about whether or not she wants to date you yet? She barely knows you! This is why you need to hang around her as much as possible and ask her out over and over again until she says yes. Eventually she’ll just get to the point where she doesn’t have the energy to reject you anymore and she’ll have no choice but to be your valentine. Some people may like to throw around words like ‘stalking’ or ‘harassment’ when describing this kind of persistence, but that only applies to people who aren’t as charming or sexy as you are.

#7: Hypnosis

If your love interest outright refuses to be your Valentine, then this only means that her conscious mind doesn’t want to go out with you. You still have a good chance of courting her subconscious mind. You just need to put her in a state of trance. Now, I’m presuming you aren’t a professional hypnotist, so you can’t just randomly go up to her in the middle of the day and go all Derren Brown on her. You need to perform the hypnosis when she’s in a more suggestible state of mind. The best time to do this is during REM sleep, because this is when she’ll be dreaming and sleeping most deeply. So, you’ll need to break into her bedroom in the middle of the night without being detected or waking her up, and because there’s no other way to tell when she’s in REM sleep without waking her up first, you need to bring an EEG machine with you. Next, hook her up to the EEG machine and wait until her brainwave patterns indicate REM sleep. Now it’s simply a matter of putting her in the trance. To do this, play her LMFAO’s ‘Party Rock Anthem’ backwards and at 5% speed, and say “You are now under my control” three times in succession while clicking your heels together. Once she is under, simply tell her to ask you out. The idea of this is to plant an idea in her head that she will be compelled to act on, basically like Inception. Once you are done, say “You are now free from my control”, turn off the music and make your escape. The next time she sees you she will chat you up without any prompting.

#6: The Power of Prayer

If you’re so unlikeable and repulsive that there’s no force on Earth that could find you a partner, then there is still hope. Question: who or what is more powerful than anything on Earth? The answer is, naturally, God. You know: Jehovah. Allah. Zeus. Ganesh. The Big Kahuna. The Dark Lord. The Big Pizza Pie in the Sky. The Dickhead Deity. Or, as I prefer to call him: Colin. So the only solution is to ask Colin to create a partner especially for you. After all, if it worked for Adam then it can work for anyone. Granted, Adam did have to sacrifice one of his ribs, but that was only because Colin was drunk when he created Adam and couldn’t remember how to do it, so he needed something to go on. You shouldn’t need to worry about that because the second time around Colin remembered to make a back-up and put it on one of those water-resistant flash drives. You can increase your chances of success by getting as many people as possible to pray for you at the same time and in the same place – though bear in mind that this won’t work if the people you use are starving Africans or victims of a natural disaster.

#5: Lie About Your Sexuality

A desire for the forbidden is psychologically ingrained in all of us. Not being able to have something automatically makes you want it more, which is why at the end of a Year 8 R.E. lesson I suddenly really wanted to holiday in Mecca. You can use this to your advantage. If your love interest is hetero, pretend to be gay. She’ll immediately become obsessed with you, and pretty soon she’ll be begging you to go out with her and give heterosexuality a second chance. If you need to be convinced that this will work, just name any gay celebrities you can think of; Rupert Everett, Neil Patrick Harris, Sir Ian McKellen, Paul O’Grady, Alan Carr, Justin Timberlake, Sir Elton John… all of them are major sex icons for straight women. And hey, if it doesn’t work then at least you can use your new homosexual façade to get some dick.

#4: Use Reverse Psychology

It’s human nature to want to act independently and not just blindly obey what anyone says, because we like to think of ourselves as intelligent beings that don’t need other people’s why. This is why a great way to make your love interest want you is a partner is to make yourself seem like the worst possible choice imaginable.

Step 1: Stop washing or grooming yourself.

Step 2: Get into the habit of vomiting and farting into other people’s soup.

Step 3: Tell everyone how much you love the Twilight series and the music of Justin Bieber

Step 4: Pretend you’ve contracted several STDs and brag about how many people you’ve passed them on to.

Step 5: Tell your love interest that you wish she would die a horrible, bloody death, and that her corpse would be gruesomely disfigured so that no innocent soul would ever have to look at her hideous face ever again. Then cough phlegm directly into her face.

Follow these steps and pretty soon your love interest will be practically begging for you to go out with her.

#3: The Power of Technology

Science! It can do some mind-bogglingly amazing things nowadays. I’m still astounded that it’s genuinely possible to talk to people who aren’t even in the room with you. The fact that so many people take this technological miracle for granted shows just how far technology has come over the past 200 years. So if humanity can create a vehicle powered entirely by steam, who’s to say humanity can’t create a device that forces people to fall in love with people they don’t even like?

To be honest, even I thought that this was impossible, because at heart I’m an incredibly cynical person, but these days there’s an App™ for everything. ‘App’, for you techno-noobs out there, is short for ‘Apptitude’, because each new piece of software they release has a different aptitude. The extra ‘P’ stands for ‘pwnage’, because Apps easily pwn all other kinds of digitally distributed data.

So I was browsing the iOS AppStore one day, and I came across a miraculous App called ‘Hormone Handler’. It’s essentially a fun and simple mini-game that allows you to directly control someone’s hormone levels. All you need to do is put in your love interest’s blood type, star sign, approximate elbow size, and a hotness rating out of ten, and Hormone Handler will lock on to her automatically, provided she is within a 500m radius and you have a sufficient 3G signal. You then get to play a mini-game which is basically like a cross between Tetris and Call of Duty. The better you are at the game, the more hormonal chemicals you’re able to manipulate. It’s a prime example of an easy to play/difficult to master control system. Once you have control of all her hormones, you can essentially make her feel any emotions you want. For example, you could make her feel happy and horny whenever she’s around you, or sad and angry whenever she’s around any other men. You can plainly see how this could be used to get you a Valentine’s date. It works great, but is difficult to get exactly right and can be a bit glitchy sometimes. All things considered this is a wonderful App and well worth the money.

‘Hormone Handler’ is currently available to download from the iOS AppStore for free, but if you want to use it there is a monthly subscription fee of £6.99. There is currently an Android version in development, but unfortunately it won’t be available for a few years. Ironically, when it comes to the availability of third-party software, Android is the Mac of smartphones.

#2: Become Interesting

It’s most likely that the reason you haven’t got a date already isn’t that you’re horrifically ugly and behave like a dick’s arsehole, but that you’re simply boring and average-looking. You might be a perfectly lovely person, but if you don’t stand out from the crowd, it makes not one jot of difference to your chances of scoring.

Basically, you just need to change as much of your personality and behaviour as you can in order to make yourself seem more unique. You can start off by wearing unusual clothing, like a stylish polka dot pyjamas/black leather jacket/red high heels/bowler hat combo, for example. It’s best to go with your imagination when choosing your outfit, but as long as it catches your love interest’s attention, it’s done its job.

Next you should make some distinctive alterations to your voice, so that your conversations with your Valentine-to-be are more memorable. You could start shouting every other sentence you say. You could put on an exaggerated Italian accent. You could pretend to have a stammer. You could start saying everything in a mildly sarcastic tone. Feel free to be creative. Your speech affectations can be as subtle or as blatant as they need to be.

The final and probably most important step is to think of interesting things to talk about. If you have the time, the most effective way to do this is to spend a few decades burying yourself in all the world’s cultures and arts, and absorbing everything there is to know about history and international politics. However, I am aware that some of you may not have that much patience, so there are some other options.

One solution is to become telepathic and just read your love interest’s mind, which can be achieved be either exposing yourself to enormous quantities of X-radiation or being bitten by Sally Morgan. Having said that, I imagine most of you won’t want to risk the often lethal health problems that occur as a result of being bitten by Sally Morgan, so there is a third option. You simply need to find a topic that you can bullshit about at length. It doesn’t even matter if the subject matter is boring, because you can make up for that with the sheer power of madcap enthusiasm. For example, you could discuss how out of all the animals on this planet, turtles – teenage, mutant, or otherwise – would make the absolute worst ninjas! I mean, come on, the whole point of ninjas is for them to blend in with their surroundings! It doesn’t matter where you are in the world; a group of 6-foot tall muscle-bound turtles would stick out like Ann Widdecombe at a Gay Pride parade! And ninjas are supposed to be fast and agile! Turtles are infamous for being slow-moving and inflexible on land! Turtles are about as good at being ninjas as John McCririck is at modelling ladies’ underwear! None of it makes sense, goddamnit!

And if that doesn’t make you interesting enough, you could just start taking acid.

So, anyway, once you have all these elements together, you know for sure that your love interest won’t be able to resist your uniqueness and will fall in love with you straight away. It’s as simple as that, folks.

#1: The Power of Lust

Do you seriously think that people choose who they go out with based on their personality and how wealthy they are? Well, OK, yes, they do that, but it’s mainly about sex. This is why the best way to convince your love interest to go on a date with you is to make her so desperate to touch your genitals with her genitals that she doesn’t have a choice. To do this, you need to make yourself sexually desirable. This is actually a lot easier than most people believe, even for the most aesthetically challenged among us. 

Step 1: Gain weight. You can do this with a combination of regular heavy weightlifting and binge eating deep fried Mars bars (other fatty, sugary, salty snacks are available). Now, at the end of this gorging and bodybuilding process you may have gained a lot of excess fat. Don’t worry. This is perfectly normal. 

Step 2: Unfortunately, fatness tends to be unattractive. Luckily, you can easily convert this fat into muscle. This is done by running a 174µA electric current through your body, sucking on 174 currants and being carried by a south-south-south-south-easterly river current concurrently. This process briefly puts all of your body tissue into a malleable state called Current Quadruplicity, the exact machinations of which are far too complicated and long-winded to detail here. All you need to know is that it works. So do it, et voila! You just traded in your fat-ass for a bad-ass. 

Step 3: Your transformation to sex beast is not yet complete. You’ve got the bulging muscles. Now you need to grow out your hair. Long hair is the sexiest thing about any man or woman, so make sure to completely abstain from shaving. If your facial, armpit, leg, arm, back, chest and pubic hair doesn’t grow to great length naturally, use testosterone supplements to help. They should be available at your local chemist, or if you can’t get a prescription, my mate Dave can hook you up. 

Step 4: Shave your head. While it’s true that long hair on the rest of the body is overpoweringly erotic, the exact opposite is true for the head. This is because people often find a large brain just as much of a turn-on as large breasts or a large penis, and if someone has head-hair you can’t see how big their brain is. Having hair – long hair in particular – just makes you look like you’ve got something to hide. Just cut it all off already. 

Step 5: Dress up in tight, revealing clothing, or no clothing at all, and approach your love interest. If she can stop herself from jumping you right there and then and doesn’t pass out from swooning, she’ll ask you out on a date immediately. I think you’ll find that you, my friend, are in there. 

You can see why using The Power of Lust is easily the most effective method for getting a Valentine’s date. It bypasses the brain – the only part of the body that can decide to reject you – and goes straight to the love organs, guaranteeing that you won’t be alone on this St. Valentine’s Day.

Written by Kirk Saywell

Over the past decade, computer technology has drastically evolved. There have been major improvements to the speed of processors, the speed and capacity of RAM, the power of graphics cards and the energy efficiency of computers, especially laptops.

Unfortunately, there hasn't been much improvement of computer storage technology, until a new storage technology called "Solid State" was invented a few years ago.

We've been in two minds about SSD technology, although on paper the SSD seems like a good idea, there have been some concerns about the cost, lifespan and write speed of SSDs. But have things changed?

We were very excited when the new NAND Flash Memory Solid State Drives were introduced, and now not only are they becoming available in larger capacities, but the prices are coming down.

So what does the "Hard Drive" in a computer do? The hard drive is the long-term memory store of information. Every program you install, every file you save, every setting you change - it's all stored by the hard drive. A larger drive allows you to store more information.

Traditional Hard Disk Drives (HDD) or "Spinning Disk" drives store data on 'Sectors' of a spinning disk, which reads and writes magnetically with a head that floats just above the disk. This type of drive has been around for years, and has seen many improvements in speed and capacity. However, since it is made with moving parts that can wear out or be damaged, it is quite susceptable to failure, and is usually the first component to fail in a computer system.

Solid State Drives (SSD) or "Flash Storage" drives store data on microchips, the data is reads and writes electronically so there is no need for any moving parts.

Advantages of SSD:

• No spin up time - Where as a traditional hard disk needs time to start spinning the disk, the electronic Solid State drive has no disk to spin so is ready almost immediately.
   
• Faster Random Access (Read) Speed - Traditional drives need to wait for the head to align with the sector that contains the data on the spinning disk, Solid State drives can access the information they need instantly because data is accessed directly from the flash memory.
   
• Consistant Performance - Traditional hard drives performance varies depending where the data that it needs to access is stored. Solid State drives do not have this problem because data is stored directly on the flash memory, so the performance is consistent no matter where the data is stored.
   
• No Need to Defragment - Because data can be accessed directly from the flash memory, it does not matter where it is stored, or how it is stored. There is no longer any need to defragment the hard drive because it makes no difference to the performance.
   
• Silent - Unlike traditional hard drives that are known for whirring, clicking and clunking; Solid State Drives have no moving parts and are completely silent.
   
• Reliable - Due to the fact that Solid State Drives have no moving parts, they are more reliable as they are not susceptible to mechanical failure. Also, where as traditional hard drives suffer from shock and vibration which can cause damage to the heads and spinning disk, the solid state drive can be moved and held at any angle with no negative effects, it is also less sensitive to shock and is more likely to retain data in the event of being dropped.
   
• Energy Efficient - Since there are no moving parts, Solid State Drives use much less energy than a traditional hard drive. They also produce less heat. This makes them ideal for installation in Laptops and mobile devices where longer battery life is essential and there may not be much space for ventilation.

This all sounds very good, but what does it really mean for you? In terms of everyday computing, with a Solid State Drive:

- Your computer will start up much faster
- Programs will open much faster
- Files will be listed and will open much faster
- Risk of data loss due to mechanical failure is eliminated
- The chance of recovering your data if you drop/damage your computer is increased

So, we know why they are good, but we're interested to know what Solid State Drives are not so good at, and why they might be a bad idea.

Disadvantages of SSD:

• Price - Although prices are coming down, SSDs are still very expensive. The cost per gigabyte (GB) in the UK for Solid State Drives is between £1.00 and £1.60, compared to HDDs which cost between £0.05 and £0.20 per GB. Don't be too put off by this, we suspect the price per GB could reduce drastically as the technology becomes more popular.
   
• Capacity Limitation - At the moment, it's difficult to get SSDs in large capacities. We are just beginning to see 500GB Solid State Drives in production, but commonly they are available in sizes up to 256GB. This again is something that could drastically change over the next 12 months, and there is always the option of using a traditional hard drive for long term storage and using the SSD for programs and files that are used on a regular basis for a faster computing experience.
   
• Slower write speeds - Commonly, it seems that Solid State Drives have a slower write speed than traditional hard drives, meaning although you can load programs very quickly, it takes longer to save files or copy data to an SSD. Newer SSD technology suggests that this may no longer be an issue as more expensive SSDs are beginning to show write speeds above that of a traditional hard drive.
   
• Limited Write Cycles - This has always been a big concern for people thinking about Solid State Drives. The NAND Flash memory chips typically only last for 1-5 million write cycles, however, new advances in SSD technology mean that drives can last for decades without this kind of failure.

You need to consider how these disadvantages will effect your computing experience, aside from costing more in the first place, the only negative effect you may find with an SSD is the write speed. You write to your drive any time you want to store information, but because most things are stored on computer RAM, you would probably only notice the slow write speed when saving very big files such as video, or when copying large amounts of data to your SSD.

Balanced Up

Comparing what we know about Solid State Drives (SSD) and Hard Disk Drives (HDD), it seems that the SSDs are a much better option if you are looking for performance and reliablility overall. However, if you want to cut your costs and have very large amounts of data, traditional HDDs would be ideal. Maybe when the prices come down and the capacity goes up, SSD will be the best option all round.

You can order Solid State Drives online or in-store at Nexus Technology in Colchester.

Written by Kirk Saywell

This is the first installment of our monthly TECHTOAD TOP 10! On the 10th of every month we will publish a "TOP 10" list for you to sink your teeth into. For January 2012, we have picked out our Top 10 favourite iPhone Apps.

#10: BBC iPlayer
We like iPlayer, it's a really great idea and almost everyone who watches TV knows it's a real pain when you forget to tune in, they change the TV schedule, you get caught up on the phone or simply don't even realise your missing a program you wanted to watch! Now it's easy to catch up with those BBC programs you missed on your iPhone. The app is specifically designed to work on low-speed internet connections, like mobile 3G internet meaning it's ideal if you're not at home and don't have access to your main computer. It's not so good if you want to watch with other people as the iPhone has a relatively small screen, but it's perfectly suitable for personal viewing with headphones, and best of all, it's totally FREE! So we feel it deserves a place in our top ten.

#9: Unblock Me
Unblock Me is a game with a very simple concept. There are a number of blocks in a small area that can only be moved along one axis. One of the blocks is coloured red. There is a single gap on the outside "wall" and you simply have to arrange the blocks so that the red block can be moved out through the gap. This game is really ideal for mobile devices such as the iPhone because it's the kind of game that you can pick up and leave any time. If you commute on the bus or train, you have time to complete a few levels, but if you get an important call or have to transfer to another train, you can close the game with no worries and come back to it later. It's a logical game that gets you thinking, and can be quite addictive! We like it because not only is this another great FREE game, but it offers loads of different levels and it really is suitable for anyone.

#8: eBay
That's right. Many of you may feel that this doesn't deserve a place in the "Top Ten", but let's be fair - it's one of the most popular apps available on the AppStore and it really is a great tool. What we love specifically about this app is how it makes the whole buying and selling experience easier. The eBay app allows you to list your item on ebay simply by scanning the bar code (if the item you are selling has a bar code) which finds all the information for you, and even shows you the average price it's selling for on ebay. You can use the bar code scanner to search for products too, which is a great way to save money when you're see a book, dvd or game in a shop and want to know if you can get it cheaper online. Once you sell an item, there is usually the burdon of taking it to your local post office or arranging a courier collection. Although the eBay app doesn't relieve you of that burdon, it does make it easier by allowing you to instantly update your item status with a tracking number to mark your item as dispatched. Not to mention instant alerts when an item is sold and paid for, meaning you don't have to wait until you get home to check what needs to be posted when you could do it in your work lunch-break. This applies to buying items too, how many times have you missed out on an auction item because you're not able to be at a computer when the listing ends? Now with eBay in your pocket, and with notifications reminding you of items ending soon, you can quickly update your bid from work, on the bus, in bed, at the pub - anywhere! It's another great free app which we highly recommend for anyone who uses ebay.

#7: Doodle Sprint
We're not sure if it's the simplicity, addictiveness or the casual doodle design - but Doodle Sprint is another one of our favourite FREE games. Very basically there is a roughly drawn stick figure who continuously runs forward, you just have to tap the screen to make him jump when there is an obsticale or a gap in his path. It does get more diffcult as he speeds up the further you get - but it's easy to find yourself having "just one more try" to beat your best score - a really fun, addictive game which is suitable for anyone and perfect for filling those waiting times at the bus stop, or those moments when you have a few minutes to yourself and just need to kill some time. Definately worth a quick sprint!

#6: Fall Down!
It's another game, another FREE game. Guess what, it's also another amazingly simple game! Quite literally, a ball falls from the top of the screen onto rows of platforms which move up the screen. The platforms have one or more gaps in them, and you just have to tilt your phone to let the ball through fall the gaps before the ball get's squashed at the top. WARNING, it's VERY addictive. There are a few bubbles you can collect by rolling the ball into them which give you extra points, a faster ball, or pauses the platforms from moving for a couple of seconds to give you time to catch up. You can compete with friends and family to beat each others top scores, or just play yourself to beat your personal best. Another great game app for killing some time, or want something fun to do at home, school, work, or the pub with your friends and family.

#5: Facebook
We had trouble deciding where to rank this one. It's very easy to think about Facebook as a whole, but we want to focus specifically on the iPhone app and how useful it is on a mobile device. We've placed it here at number five because it is, without question, one of THE MOST POPULAR apps on the AppStore. Almost everybody who owns a smartphone is connected on Facebook, and it has so much to offer. What we like most about this app is the very quick and easy check-in feature. You can quickly post your location and tag your friends, presented with a list of all the local places making it very easy to tell your friends where you are and what you're doing (Although, this might not always be wise!). It makes life easy by allowing you to quickly upload your photos and check out the photos that everybody else took on your night out and all-in-all it's a really nice app for quickly catching up with what your friends and family are doing. We thought about it's application on a mobile device and we can't deny that having instant access to all your contacts on facebook is definately one of the most favoured features, along with the Facebook Messenger app (which we're including as the same entry into the top 10). Unfortunately, in our experience the Facebook app is quite unreliable if you're not using WiFi and even when you do have a good internet connection, it seems to be very slow - but we're fairly confident this will improve in the near future, so we're keeping it in our top 10!

#4: Angry Birds
Probably the most popular mobile game on the market. Available in many different flavours, even the FREE versions are great fun. For those of you who have never played Angry Birds, the basic story line is that some (rather funny) birds are angry at some (rather strange) pigs for stealing their eggs, you simply catapoult the birds towards the pigs and various constructions around the pigs to "kill" them (they just burst into a cloud) and earn as many points as possible by causing the most destruction with as few birds possible. There are a number of different types of birds which do various different "attacks" - it really is a classic game that everybody loves. We're getting a bit bored of the concept now, but we're keeping at at number 4 because they are always making great new levels for it. Keep the sound on, it's aproximately 200 times funnier* than with the sound off.
*In our opinion.

#3: Rainbow RSS Reader
At number 3 we have the Rainbow RSS Reader app. It does what it says on the tin, it's an RSS reader. It allows you to colour-code your RSS feeds making it easy to quickly categorise your feeds. We love it because it's very simple, you don't need an account, it's totally FREE and it's really easy to set up and use. In fact, you can add http://techtoad.com/rss to it and get the latest news from us directly to your iPhone! It's quick, simple and works perfectly.

#2: iHandy Alarm Clock
Now, this one is available for free, but we're ranking it at number 2 using the paid version, although it's not too expensive. The iHandy Alarm Clock is a digital clock for the iPhone which runs in full screen. You can choose the "LCD" background colour, you can customise the time display (12/24hr, weather, date, etc.) and you can set custom alarms, such as a reccuring alarms on specific days of the week. There are a few alarm tones to choose from, or you can set it up to play a song from your iPhone music library. What makes this app stand out from the others is the quick brightness adjustment. Simply run your finger up or down the screen to change the screen brightness - and when you exit the application, the brightness remains the same until you next lock your phone. This is great if you quickly need to check your phone in the night because you can instantly dim your screen and write a text, check your mail - whatever you're doing, without a bright glaring screen - which of course by morning when you want the screen to be bright, will revert back to whatever brightness you have set your phone to in the main settings. This app also is capable of playing your alarm tone even if the app is not "active" and also if your iPhone is on silent, meaning you've got no excuse for your alarm not going off!

#1: Shazam
SHAZAM! It's number one! Literally our favourite app. King of the music quiz, Shazam can identify any music playing, whether it's on TV, radio, from your mates phone, in a shop, in a pub, in a club, from your home stereo - never sit there wondering what that great song was again. It's free for the basic version and it only needs a few seconds to identify almost anything. We have not yet found a song it can't identify! Once it's identified the song, it gives you all the information you could want about it, and if available, even shows you the lyrics in time with the music as it's playing! It really is a great little free app which anyone can use. Never be beaten at the pub music quiz, you'll literally have all the answers in your pocket, with no preperation required!

We hope you enjoyed reading about our TOP 10 favourite iPhone apps. Check back again for next months Top Ten list!